I love it when my body betrays my mind.
It’s a kind of freedom that lets me be who I am or who I was always afraid to be.
And Yet he knows that.
And always has known that about me.
How is it that he knows when I need his touch the most?
Does he secretly read my thoughts?
I don’t know what I would have done without him all these years.
And especially these past ten months.
The way he walks over and touches me gently and kisses me on the head.
He knows the stress I’m under is tremendous.
I thank my angels that he does.
Without his unconditional love I would have fallen by now.
But not today, not while I have his hand and his loving arms to always catch me.
We won’t give up now not when we are so close and almost there.
Not when I can already taste the salt air on my lips.
Our hopes and dreams will finally come true.
And yet we both know it’s going to be bitter sweet.
This year has already taken so much from me, and from us.
And when all is said and done will I or we ever be the same?
When the realization of it all finally shows it’s evil face will I be able to sweep it all out to sea?
And will those Siesta Key sunsets make it all better?
In time they will.
I know that things such as dreams and wishes just never seem to go as planned for us.
As I sit here and write my weekly blog there’s one thing I can assure you.
And that’s with this kind of grief building I have learned a few things.
When those winds of change come passing through I promise you that we are
never going settle for less ever again.
Not When we deserve what others reach for and get.
As I listened to her words of wisdom I realized they are gifts.
She said, “Life will go on as planned.”
“To sit by and wait is not an option.”
“Your surgery must be done.”
“And when I go I will always watch over you as I have always watched over you. ”
She’s so strong, so determined to live out this life with grace and dignity.
And she wants all of her adult children settled.
I will have lost them both five years apart.
My only solace is that two lovers will be as one again.
And so we wait some more.
Each days conversations I just want to hear more.
I hear her hopes and dreams for My future.
The future that we planned together.
And I do my best not to let her know I’m crying.
Life is taken in an instant even when it’s spread out over months.
Our plans were made long before the pieces of my heart were taken.
And we may only be a few months behind the move.
This time we’ve been warned. It’s harder to be warned time and time again.
But then you finally hear those elicit words spoken: two to four months of life left.
You know there’s nothing left to do but worry and wait some more.
Promises have been made.
The I love you’s have been said over and over but never seem enough. .
Still it doesn’t get any easier each day I say goodbye.
Not knowing if tomorrow will be that day.
And all I ask is that you Promise me one thing my love.
When that day finally comes, you never let me go.
We finish packing and we do what we’ve said. What we promised her we would do.
I don’t want to waste one minute or day in a place where we don’t want to be.
Life is waiting for us.
I want my body to betray me again.
I want to hear those elicit words from your mouth.
I want you to touch me and touch me again.
I want to be free from this heartache.
And I want to live my life with you by my side watching the sunsets on Siesta Key…
I hope you all have a sexy Sunday and don’t forget the lube.
This is my life right now. I know it’s not very sexy but the love shines through. Plus it’s all I have to give right now.
This we we were told Mom’s Cancer has progressed. She has two to four months left. Then the waiting on M’s retirement/comp packages, It’s in the lawyers hands. My spinal fusion surgery in March. Which is being done in Florida. Fifteen days to re-coup with no stairs. I’m scared Mom won’t be here but she’s insistent that I go. The spackling, painting while we are packing up thirty years of our of our life. We are pretty much stressed to the Max and stuck in limbo.