Abuse, The other side of love, Sexy Sunday #31

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If you are being abused ask for help. Get Out! No one has the right to harm you physically or mentally.

Now bear with me on this one. Life has a funny way of working out when you least expect it too. Take my relationship for instance.

When I met Mike I was totally lost. I didn’t even want to go out for New Year’s eve. But my Dad practically pushed me out the door.

We had met briefly the week before. The way he tells it he had to have me, and wasn’t going to stop until he did.

He asked everyone who knew anything about me what my story was. And he didn’t care that I had just been through a horrible ordeal.

I was a twenty-one year old widow. My first husband who I will call shit for brains was mentally abusive. He also disrespected me on a daily basis, and cheated on me the entire time we dated, and the year and half we were married. Yes shit for brains even slept with my maid of honor the night before our wedding.  Of course no one bothered to tell me until it was too late.

I’m not going to make excuses, all I’m going to say is that I was twenty-one. I Had been dating shit for brains since I was sixteen. Warning to any women out there, Don’t marry the idiot you’ve been dating since you were a teenager. It’s not love! Get out there and sample the goods before you tie the knot.

All The signs were there but I just chose to ignore them.  He kept me for himself. Told me he loved me. Then would threaten me anytime I would say I was leaving.  His exact words were;  If I can’t have you no one will. Still brings chills down my spine.  He never hit me, came close many times, but I’m one of the lucky ones. He was only mentally abusive. I say only because there are so many women out there that either still are or have dealt with both mental and physical abuse.

When I think about it now I was just young and stupid. And I was too embarrassed to call my parents. I didn’t want to disappoint them. How stupid was that? But it’s the truth.

The day I finally left Shit for brains had his girlfriend pick him up from the hospital and bring him to her house the night before. Oh did I fail to mention he was an alcoholic with mental problems. And that I stood by him while he was in rehab for twenty-eight days. And then I also sat by his bedside day and night while he was in a self-induced coma. Well he called her and checked himself out.  She brought him home so he could shower and change. That was my breaking point. It’s when I got up the nerve to say ENOUGH! But I don’t think he took me seriously because he left with her anyway.

I called my parents and needless to say they went into protective mode. Before we pulled away Shit for brains pulled up. And I can remember my Dad telling me to stay in the car as he got out.  I don’t know what Dad told him but as we were pulling away I looked at Shit for brains.  And he gave me an evil stare.

My parents took me home and then put me on a plane the next day. I was safely surrounded by my brother and his thousands of comrades. He was stationed at Shaw Air Force base in S.C..

To this day I am grateful that my parents had the good sense to see what was happening. Because I didn’t see it coming. Three days later my former husband killed himself. I do believe if he had gotten a hold of me I would not be here today.

Mike met me at the door of the house party I went to for New Years eve that year.  I remember how I was immediately impressed with him. He was a true gentlemen, so attentive. He took my coat. Then asked the guy I came in with if I was with him. When he said no it was all the information Mike needed.

He got me a drink. And we talked, laughed and connected. He didn’t drink to get drunk. In fact he stopped drinking and had water after only a few. When a man looks into your eyes while he’s talking to you, it’s a show of respect. It’s also so damn sexy.

When the clock struck twelve he went in for the kiss.  I had never been kissed like that before. It felt like we were the only two people in the room. Magic happened that night. I’m pretty sure that Cupid must have pulled back his bow. And that magic has been happening ever since. I believe Mike was heaven-sent. Then I think of that stare. If he was it wasn’t by my former husband.

I have always felt safe with my Mike. Always felt loved, and always felt free to be myself. He doesn’t want to change me. He loves me just the way that I am.

I don’t know how he did it but all these years later he has given me the gift of submission. Yes it’s a gift. One that proves he can be trusted. And if it’s at all possible he shows me even more love.  And With that love and trust comes respect.

I guess what I’m trying to say is with so much abuse out there be careful who you submit too. Make sure you love and get loved back. And if there’s no respect and you can’t trust that man with your life then think about what you’re giving up.

If you’re going to do it anyway at least have safewords in place. They’re called safewords for a reason. SSC or Safe, Sane, Consensual means just that.

There should be NO fear or intimidation in a D/s relationship or any relationship for that matter. You should be able to trust your spouse/partner completely. And if someone puts you down or treats you like property then by all means get out. If your instincts are screaming for you to wake up and run then listen to your instincts, they’re there for a reason.

There is also another side of BDSM. And it’s where predators are disguised as Dom’s looking for unsuspecting prey. There is no trust. There is no respect. And when you say Red that so-called Dominant doesn’t care.

The bottom line is A true Dominant never belittles, never abuses, and should never make you feel you’re not worthy of his love and touch.

I’m a very lucky woman who just happens to be submissive. I know this without a doubt in the world.  I’ve seen and heard the horror stories of how men treat their women. And I believe that men who hurt, abuse, disrespect and take advantage of women should be ashamed of themselves. They should also be locked up in some south American jail never to be seen again.

This weeks’ Sexy Sunday post didn’t go the way I intended it too. I had all intentions of writing about love. But as I was writing I thought it would be a good thing to write about the other side of love and the men who deceive in order to get what they want from women.  I know that Fetlife.com has stories on abuse. They also have help if someone needs it.

The other side of love, trust and respect is hate, deceit, and disrespect. No one should have to live a life with any of the former in that last sentence. We all teach others how we want to be treated. If you stay you’re saying it’s Ok and it’s not. Never feel that you will be letting someone down. Or that your family will be disappointed in you for leaving an abusive relationship.

Think about what I’ve said. Then take a breath while you thank your lucky stars that you have the kind of loving relationship you do. And that you’re not being abused.

And if you are in an abusive relationship there’s help. Tell a trusting friend. Ask for help. Just leave. It’s your life after all. And it’s you who decides how to live it. Use your brain. And if you have children, then get them out of that situation. You are teaching them that it’s Ok to let someone hurt and disrespect you.  You can do this.

I hope you all have a very Safe Sexy Sunday. And don’t forget the lube.

http://www.fetlife.com

The National Domestic violence hotline, 1800-799-safe

 

 

 

36 thoughts on “Abuse, The other side of love, Sexy Sunday #31

  1. Great advise Annie…your so lucky to have gotten away from your first husband, that just gave me chills. Sir is husband number two for me, and I also believe he was heaven sent. Glad were both better off now, happy, healthy, safe, and loved beyond belief!

    Hugs friend, Mynx

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Mynx, I think we had to go through the BS in order to be rewarded with pure love. No doubt the angels are watching over us Mynx,lol. Thanks for the comment. Hugs right back my friend.

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  4. Excellent post! It’s too often the dark nasty other side that many people find themselves in and feel like they have become trapped. It’s not an easy path, and I would not want this to sound as though there are never defeat but I believe that love wins. The struggles so many go through are horrible, but redemption is there. Sometimes it takes a friend – other times it’s us waking up to the abuse – sometimes it’s a 3rd party. It’s an excellent siren we need to hear – look within ourselves and to those around us. It’s not easy to say “I feel we should talk” to a friend or “I need help” – but without the conversions the cycle continues. …..I’ve rambled again. Excellent post Annie!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks Emergingdom, I so appreciate your thoughts. If you think about how long
      the abuser usually gets away with abusing it’s insane.
      We all need to be more aware of the people around us. It could be that woman
      who wears those long sleeve sweaters in the middle of summer to hide her bruises.
      Or it could be the woman who shakes while she’s in line at the food
      store the closer she gets to the register.
      She shakes as she swipes that debit card because she
      knows she will have to explain every purchase and every penny.
      Abuse can be mental, physical or both.
      It’s horrible to think that anyone has to live in silence.
      While the abuser walks around without a care in the world.
      You didn’t ramble on at all.
      You are a real man who see’s there’s a problem and wants to
      fix it or at least help.

      Maybe business’s should have a place or phone number for the abused to ask for help.
      Or the company news letter should have some kind of support posted.
      I don’t know what the answer is.
      But I do know that’s its not easy to just tell a friend or family.
      I’ve been there. I had to find my breaking point.
      A point where I knew I couldn’t let him slide anymore.
      The next time you see a couple arguing watch them both.
      Now it may just be your typical couple having an off night.
      But in a relationship with abuse the abuser wants you to think she’s the crazy one.
      And that he’s the greatest guy you’ve ever met.
      But when they get in the car, or home, that’s when he turns into a monster.
      I say men even though I know women can be the abuser too.
      But nine times out of ten it’s the man who abuses. Now who rambled? Lol. Thanks again for the comment.
      We just need to keep talking about it. Because it does exist.

      Liked by 1 person

      • I find it an easy topic to ramble about – because I’m passionate about it. I hate to hear of your past, but am glad that is in in your past.
        I think it would be great if every store, every business, ever gas station – had a poster that would be awesome. But more than that – as you’ve said – it’s up to each and every one of us to be aware of whats inside us – and how others are being treated.

        Liked by 1 person

        • Being aware is precisely what we all need to do.
          The problem is that we just never know who it is that’s either being abused or abusing.
          Both hide it well.

          It’s also crazy to think how many women think that it’s a sign of weakness to ask for help.
          Or that they might disappoint someone. Believe me the abuser’s worst fear is getting caught.
          That’s why they apologize, say they’ll never do it again.
          And treat you nice until they flip their own switch and don’t.

          Starting a discussion every now and again on the subject of abuse isn’t a bad idea either.
          Thanks again Emerging Dom. 😉

          Liked by 1 person

  5. Brava my friend! Beautiful and raw post. We share more than we knew. I wrote a bit about the mentally abusive relationship I endured almost 2 decades ago. He also told me, if he can’t have me, nobody will else get to. I escaped by the grace of God. What the hell is it we have on these guys? 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

    • I guess it’s just that we are irresistible, Lol. Or magnets to dangerous men. But it only took one time to learn our lessons. And the best part is, We got our Knights in Shining Armour. They picked us up and helped us find our way. When I look back I know I did the best I could considering the circumstances. At that age what do we really know about love and life?
      I only hope by putting that smidgen of my story out there that maybe some young woman will read it. Maybe she will see that she can leave now instead of waiting for something horrific to happen. I got lucky. I do believe my angels were watching out for me. They gave me the strength to call my parents. Because three more days and who knows what would have happened. Thanks for the feedback. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      • You are exactly right. We are blessed. I write in my books about the ‘silence’ of abuse, hoping as you, to help somebody else recognize the dangers before it becomes too late. Yes, my friend, we are parallel in many ways. 🙂 xo

        Liked by 1 person

    • Annie, first of all, I love this post. It takes guts to even post an article on one’s past abusive life. I must say that we all got to kiss a couple of frogs before you find your Prince. I adore your parents, like how I adore mine when I left an abusive relationship sometime ago. It felt like coming out of the storm, strong and wise.

      I believe that if you can’t share something with your partner, then you are already giving room for doubts in a relationship. Annie and Debbie, we are still living in a society that empowers men, knowingly or unknowingly, but there are very few men out there who treats women like gentlemen and we all should work towards making the gentlemen the next big role models so that abusive relationships end for good!

      I guess we all are also writing to make changes in the society!

      Liked by 2 people

      • I’m so glad I posted this Jas.
        I think that if my story can help even one woman then it’s worth it.
        I’m not living in fear anymore. I have found my prince.

        I know that men get away with abusing women way too often.
        Their should be stronger consequences.
        Because restraining orders are a joke.
        I say this because these abusers just laugh when they’re caught
        and walk through them all the time.

        For first offense six months of Intense group therapy along with
        one on one should be mandatory. These men are slippery.
        They can be so charming in front of a Judge or others when they need to be.
        Second offense jail time.
        When will it end.
        I don’t think it ever will. Glad you got out too Jas. Hugs!!!

        Liked by 1 person

        • “These men are slippery”

          All of them. They just fucking get away with their atrocities way too often. Damn. It really hurts to think that more and more women are being victim of wicked men out there because the society has failed to stop this right then and there!

          I’m glad I came out of that dark tunnel, safe! But it hurts me so badly to know that these sick-heads are still roaming free because I’m wondering who will be the next prey and that makes me feel so furious.

          Liked by 2 people

          • The only thing we can do now Jas is keep writing about abuse.
            It’s real, and it’s not going away.
            I think it just might be worse now.
            I only say that because the boys that are supposed to be men
            have been taught they can have what ever they want.

            This is the reason I decided to talk about it.
            Why don’t you write something too Jas.
            You don’t have to put everything that happened to you out there.
            But just enough to let others know that they can leave.
            That they don’t have to put up with being abused.
            And remember abuse doesn’t always leave physical marks.

            The mental abuse can stop you in your tracks even years later, when you least expect it.
            You could be out with friends and some stupid guy leans in and says something to you.
            His breath is filled with alcohol. And a memory hits you as if you’ve been punched in the gut.
            That dark tunnel was a warning. And we got out.
            But there are others that still live each day with the fear that shit for brains will come back.
            Sometimes he does. These are the bravest women in the world.
            They will protect their children with their lives. And the police usually get there too late.
            Or they take the idiots statement and believe that she’s the bitch.
            And that it’s just a domestic dispute.
            It pisses me off. Getting as far away from these predators is the best thing any woman can do.
            The sad thing is these women also are always looking over their shoulders.
            But then one day a man or someone you trust comes along and he’s a true gentlemen.
            You tell him what you’ve been through. And he takes some of that fear away.
            He helps you move on with your life.
            And as time goes by you realize that you really can have a life.

            We get through it Jas. And we move on. We are the lucky ones. I love my parents too.
            I know my Dad put the fear of god and his fist into my ex. But he still tried to get to me.
            That’s when my Mom told him that I had left Jersey.
            I was actually sitting in the dining room that day.
            She looked at me and I knew it was him on the phone.
            I also knew not to make a sound. When Mom hung up that phone she was shaking.
            When I think about it now I believe she must have been brought back to a time when she was abused herself.
            She’s my hero.

            I hope by us discussing the subject of abuse that some woman or many women will stumble on this blog post.
            Maybe they will find the courage to get out now.
            To leave and never go back. It’s all we can hope for.
            Sending you some warm Jersey hugs my friend.. xoxox..

            Liked by 2 people

            • “You could be out with friends and some stupid guy leans in and says something to you, his breath is filled with alcohol, and a memory hits you as if you’ve been punched in the gut. That dark tunnel was a warning. ”

              You spoke my mind, Annie! Yes, in fact I have the idea to write a book since May 2013. The first step is always a struggle. But, I’ve decided to get that out of my head. I’ve been worrying about how to make sure I don’t get into trouble writing too much about what’s happening in reality. It will be a non-fiction book!

              Liked by 1 person

              • Do it Jas, It’s always the alcohol that gets me, It Brings me back in time. Why would you get into trouble baby girl? This is your life. You would be helping others by telling your story. Look where you are today. You are a strong professional woman. And you are never going to let that happen to you again. You are a success story. When we get reminded of the past we only have to look around us to see we are living in the future. We got out, and didn’t make the same mistake twice. I’m here if you need me. E-mail me. Hugs!!!

                Liked by 2 people

                • That’s such a strong word of encouragement Annie!! I appreciate that and I know with all my author friends around, I will make it. My mind screams with frustrations and I know I need to put it on print to silence that voice. hugsss Jas

                  Liked by 1 person

                  • @Jas and @Annie, just a thought. Many authors have written books in collaboration with other authors, each writing their own essay pertaining to whatever the subject of the book is about. They then edit and compile as a book of stories told from different author’s experiences and perspectives. This is some food for thought, perhaps something we may think about in the coming year?

                    Liked by 2 people

                    • Jas, I think what Debby is saying is that If you need us to write a passage in your book let us know.
                      I think that’s a great idea Debby.
                      Getting it out of our heads and putting it into written form gives us the power.
                      Takes it right of of the hands of the abuser.
                      When I wrote this blog post I didn’t think anyone would be interested.
                      My only hope was to let others know that abuse happens.
                      We as in women are stronger than we think.
                      I’m so glad I posted it. ❤

                      Liked by 1 person

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  7. That very last paragraph, ” And if you have children, then get them out of that situation. You are teaching them that it’s Ok to let someone hurt and disrespect you. You can do this.”. Yes, that’s exactly why I finally left. I wanted to teach my children that it’s not Ok to treat a woman like that. And that everyone deserves a chance at happiness and that if you’re not happy, it’s Ok to leave a relationship at any time.
    My abuse didn’t become evident to me until 23 years later, after I’d left the relationship. It’s one of the things that I realised last summer.
    And even as I type this, I’m thinking “you’re making it sound worse than it really was, maybe you’re just making it up to give yourself a reason for leaving…”. Sigh!
    I guess I’m not yet out of the ‘victim’ mindset.
    Trying to find him excuses, the thing I had been doing all my married life.
    I agree with you that, at least, it wasn’t physical. But it was emotional, psychological, financial… Because of our specific environment (expat life), I had a choice of staying or leaving and go back home, because the various countries where we lived didn’t always allow me to stat if I was divorced. Leaving also meant leaving my kids behind, on the other side of the world, or taking them with me but then they wouldn’t see their dad and I would have virtually no support. I guess that did have a role in why I stayed that long. That and the fact that I’d had such an example in my parents and believed this was what marriage looked like…
    Sometimes, I’m thinking, if the abuse had been physical, at least I would have snapped out of it sooner, realising that was not acceptable… There are always two sides to the same coin 🙂

    I am glad your parents reacted the way they did and you are here today to share your testimony with us.
    Thank you.

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    • I did the same thing in thinking that mental abuse wasn’t as bad as physical abuse.
      But both are abuse. The thing is that mental abuse can be hidden. They the abusers
      seem to get away with more when there isn’t any physical evidence.

      Expat? I looked it up Does this mean you are living in Saudi Arabia? Is he in military?
      Where are you now? Leaving your kids behind is not even an option. Where do they get off
      with a rule like that?
      The fact that you got out of an abusive marriage means that you are a strong woman. Just like Teresa Moretimer,
      I call her Tre. Have you read her blog? I’m thankful for my parents too. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      • For me, the physical abuse never happened, but there was definitely mental and financial one. Though the worst wasn’t that he could hide it from others, it’s that I didn’t realise it myself until only recently. My youngest just told me that a child in her class had blood in his eye and a black eye because he had bumped into something. My first reaction is that he got hit by a parent, an older sibling, I don’t know. I cannot talk my child about it. But I’m fairly certain of it.
        My ex wasn’t military. No I wasn’t living in Saudi Arabia. The time where it was most difficult for me to work was when I lived in the States. The first time we lived there, I wasn’t allowed to work. So totally financially dependent. And if my marriage was to dissolve for any reason (divorce or death), I had a month to leave the country. He would have fought me to keep the kids. And if I couldn’t live in the States and they did, that would have been pretty bad. But even myself, at some point, I had so little consideration of myself and my abilities that I thought my kids would be better off without my depressed self… It is all fairly complicated!
        We lived the expat life for more than 15 years. You disappear as a person, you become Mrs MYHUSBAND. Though I managed to work as a volunteer a lot and even paid sometimes, and then was recognised for my own worth.
        Now, I live back in Continental Europe, about half a mile from their fatehr.

        No I haven’t read Tre’s blog. I’m going to go check it out. 🙂 Thank you!

        Like

        • Sounds complicated Dawn. Still not sure why you couldn’t work, maybe papers?
          Being totally financially dependent on your spouse with no way to support yourself
          or your children is a kind of abuse. Especially when he can dangle the “I’ll just
          take the kids card” in front of you. Of course you would have been depressed. So glad
          you have snapped out of it. And that you are now sure of yourself. Fuck him and the fucking
          donkey he rode in on. Life is too short to share with idiots. Sometimes we don’t
          realize we’ve been abused till we read, see or hear it happened to someone else.
          The good thing is that You will never ever be Mrs. Myhusband ever again.
          Do you have family close by? If not close friends who are as good
          as family? Surround yourself with good people Dawn. Having that kind of support is more important
          than any financial support could ever be. If not you have my support. And know you are loved!! ❤

          Liked by 1 person

          • I could not work because the US of A didn’t allow people on my type of visa to work. At least not for money. And my volunteer work was never considered as work by my ex.
            I am very glad I snapped out of it too. The depression had roots in my childhood already, but my marriage certainly didn’t help!
            I didn’t realise I was abused until last summer when I read posts on domestic abuse. This was the first time I realised it. It had taken me 30 years to realse I had been physically and emotionally abused as a child, so it’s no wonder I wasn’t able to see it in my relationship. I knew deep down it wasn’t normal, and the more friends I saw in normal, loving relationships, the more I started to realise I was missing out, big time!
            No, I will never be Mrs Myhusband again. Even if I ever were to remarry, I would make sure that my contribution to the marriage is viewed as such and I have support from my husband.
            I do have family not too far (between 1h and 4h away). I have good friends not too far (same thing) and marvelous friends I met when I moved here that have been very supportive. One gave up her only free-from-children day and came with me when we went to see the judge at the end of last year. She wasn’t allowed to be with me in the actual room, but to know she was there, waiting for me in the same building was good. And it helped also having someone to chat during the drive there and back.
            Having been an expat for so long, you have no other option but surrounding yourself with people you know you can count on in case of a big problem. So I have learnt to quickly make new friends any time I arrive in a new area.
            You are right, having these friends is a life saver.
            Which doesn’t diminish the fact that I also have you and my WP community. I may not say it often enough, but your support is very much valued 🙂
            Thank you 🙂

            Like

            • Sometimes it takes awhile before we realize we’ve been abused. And then it’s a shock,
              we question ourselves.
              How could we have let that happen? But once we get mad and let it all out.
              Our lives are better for it.
              And no it’s never going to happen again. You know the signs now.
              I’m glad you have friends, family close by. It makes difference.
              I have no doubt that your life from here on
              out is going to be the best. ❤

              Liked by 1 person

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